As a coach, dealing with parents just comes with the territory. But, handling overzealous parents is never fun. And you know what we’re talking about here. These are the parents who show up at practice demanding to know why their son or daughter isn’t getting more playing time. Or, the ones that come up to you at halftime to let you know the combinations you used during the first half aren’t working, and they had some ideas that might win the game during the second half if you wanted to hear them.
You know, those parents.
Although dealing with these parents is never going to be our favorite thing, it is something that we have to learn to get better at. The good news is that there are steps you can take to cut down on the number of unpleasant instances during a season.
These steps and tips can help you not only retain your authority and credibility as coach, but help improve communication between you, your players, and their parents. And open communication is the most important tool you have when it comes to dealing with parents.
The Details Depend on Your Situation
Below you will find excellent strategies to prevent parent problems and actually get parents on your side.
However, the exact details of your strategies will depend on the age of your players, the type of league you are in, and your coaching philosophy.
For example, a youth team that allows for equal playing time will use a completely different parent letter than a high school varsity team that is expected to win. So choose the tips below that apply to your situation.
And although this report teaches how to handle difficult parents, it’s important to realize that you can’t, and shouldn’t try, to please everyone. It’s vital that you stand up for what you believe in and stay true to the coaching techniques you think work best. After all, you’re the coach, not the parents.
So, let’s jump in and learn how to make our coaching season go a bit smoother!
1. Have a Parent Meeting Before the Season Starts
You can nip a lot of problems in the bud simply by meeting with parents at the start of the season. Get to know them, and spend some time talking about your past coaching experience and how you’re going to manage this season. Make sure you go over what you expect from players, and what kind of practice schedule you’re going to keep.
What else should you bring up in the pre-season meeting?
- What you expect from the parents. They need to understand that they have the responsibility to get their child to practice on time, that their child will need equipment to play (like shoes, uniform, etc.), that they need to support their child by attending games, praising their hard work, etc. Make them understand that they’re part of the team, too.
- Review your guidelines for playing time. If you make sure all the kids get equal minutes, let the parents know. If you base playing time on attendance, work ethic, off season participation, skill level, or any of those things, let the parents know. Lay down the law now and avoid issues in the future.
- Go over your school’s athletic department policy. If there are any fees or rules parents need to know about, now is the time to go over them. As an example, player eligibility is an important topic to cover.
- Go over your own rules and expectations. What are your rules about being late to practice or missing practice? What are your rules about communication? Do you require players to always approach you with issues before the parents? Do you allow parents to talk with you before or after games? Go over all these things so parents know what to expect.
- Make it clear you can’t drop off players. You’re the coach, not the carpool service. Make sure parents understand that they must be there to pick their kids up after practice. Dropping off your players isn’t part of your job.
- Set guidelines for game days. Make sure parents understand that you expect them to behave on game days. This means positive cheering, not putting down other players, no yelling at the refs, and no criticizing you or other coaches. And, put your foot down about “sideline coaching” from parents. This only confuses their child. Some coaches even create a “parent code of conduct”, that lists rules for how parents should conduct themselves through the season.
- Review the key points of your documents. You’ll want to review the key points of your player handbook and parent letter. You might even want to read it to them. The point is that you want to be sure each parent has been exposed to your rules more than once. (Samples of player handbooks and parent letters can be found below.)
- Review your team goals, priorities, and philosophy. If your goals are to focus on your player’s soccer development and personal development, then tell the parents. Explain what this means. Tell them about the fundamentals required to improve players in the long run. Tell them you are trying to teach honesty, work ethic, teamwork, and things that will help your kids be successful in the future and at the most important game of all – the game of life. What are your priorities as a coach? What are your priorities for the team?
2. Explain Your Coaching Philosophy
Parents and players both need to understand that playing time isn’t a right, it’s a privilege. So make sure this is clearly explained in the pre-season meeting with parents. Lay out exactly how you dole out playing time. Yes, it’s probably going to go to the hardest workers, but what do players really have to do to earn playing time? What do they have to know? Spell it out so that there’s no confusion.
If you coach a youth team and playing time is equal, parents need to know that. If not, you’ll get parents that think their kids should be playing more than others (so they can win the game).
It’s important to tell parents how much you truly love all the kids on the team. Emphasize that the lessons you’ll be teaching them over the next few months will not only develop them as players, but as men and women. Bringing this up will help them remember that the biggest benefit of the sport isn’t about winning or playing time, it’s about personal development.
It’s also important to explain how you feel about things like sportsmanship, honesty, and ethical behavior. These values are important in sports, and parents should know that you’ll be on the lookout for these things in their kids.
It’s critically important for parents to understand your philosophy. This will eliminate countless problems down the road.
3. Require Players to Talk With You First
It’s important to explain that if someone has a problem with their lack of playing time, the player, not the parent, should talk with you first. In the real world, people must know how to communicate. And, this is a skill your players have to learn on the team.
This should be a rule that you explain during your first parent meeting, put it in your handbook, and remind parents during the year.
Parents and players also need to know that you’re going to be treating their kids like young men and women. Many younger players are used to having their parents “take care of things” for them (like calling the coach to get them more playing time!). Again, however, you need to make it clear that players need to speak with you first about any issues they have. If a player feels they deserve more playing time, then they should bring it up with you.
4. Create A Player Handbook
If your school or sports program doesn’t have any kind of player handbook created, then you need to make one before the season starts. The handbook needs to explain the rules of behavior, punishments, scheduling, and practices times. It also needs to detail game day expectations. For instance, will your players be required to dress up for travel to and from games? Will travel with the team on the bus to and from games be mandatory?
The more players and parents know about what you expect, the fewer problems you’ll have later on.
5. Create A Contract
After you create the player handbook, you need to create a contract for players and parents to sign. The contract will say that the players and their parents have read through the handbook, and promise to abide by the rules you’ve laid out.
6. Send a Parent Letter
You should write up a good parent letter (or maybe even contract) and send it to everyone. Not only can this prevent problems down the road, but this can also be a powerful tool that you can refer to when parents start complaining. The important thing is to document the proper things and give them to the parents so you can refer to the guidelines at a later date.
Here are a few good sample letters for you to consider:
7. Know Your System
Before you start your first practice make sure you clearly understand the rules and policies that are in place in your school district and athletic department. How do they enforce school policy and behavioral problems? Do any of the rules/procedures you have in your handbook conflict with school district or athletic department rules?
You need to have complete support from the administration if you’re going to be handling parental complaints. If a parent goes go over your head, then your administration needs to refer them right back to you.
8. Let Parents Watch Practice
Now this might sound like a recipe for disaster, but it’s not. Letting interested parents watch practice time will enable them to see how you run the show, how players behave, how you critique, and how you make decisions about who gets to play and who doesn’t.
Most importantly, parents will begin to “buy in” to your philosophy and tactics. As we all know, a big part of coaching is selling. And while you are selling your players on your philosophy, with enough repetitions, the parents will get sold on your philosophies and on you as a coach. Sometimes they just need to get to know you, understand you, and learn about your program. Letting them watch your practices is a great way to do that.
If you let them watch, however, make sure they understand that they have to be quiet.
9. Sell Your System
You want to know who your biggest fans are? Your players. If they trust you and believe in what you’re doing, then they’re going to defend you against their over-zealous parents. So, make sure your players understand why you’re doing things the way you are. Sell your system to them, and they’ll sell it to their parents.
10. Get Tough On Complaints
Although it’s important to listen to what parents have to say, it’s also important to stand up for what you’re doing. Remember, you’re the coach. If parents don’t like what you’re doing, then they can put their child in another school system to play under another coach.
Sound extreme? Well, sometimes giving parents a dose of reality can help bring them back down to earth.
11. Promote the Family Atmosphere
Many coaches try to promote a family atmosphere during games. If you want to, and you can pull it off, it could very well endear you to many of the parents. So, let them attend practice, and create a special section for them to sit in during games. This extra effort on your part might go much further than you think.
12. Find Opportunities and Playing Time for the Second Team
If you’re in a situation where you are not able to get everyone playing time, then you need to find opportunities for everyone. As a coach, you owe it to the players on the team to get opportunities.
Find more JV games. Play a 5th quarter with the second group. Contact other coaches to arrange “2nd team” games. Arrange scrimmages.
Some kids just need an opportunity and need confidence. You’d be amazed how many players develop late and you never know who those kids will be.
If you never play these kids you are taking away their opportunity. If they bust their butts in practice, then you owe it to them to find them games! Not enough coaches make the effort needed to get all their players plenty of experience.
13. Designate A Parent Liaison
Some coaches swear that having a parent liaison is vital. Think about it; you’re basically the end-all, be-all of the team. A parent can start talking to you after practice about the upcoming holiday schedule and end up screaming at you because their kid isn’t getting enough playing time.
This is why you should assign one parent, preferably the parent of a kid who plays a lot, to be your point of contact. Any communication from parents needs to go through your liaison first. He or she filters out the fluff and then sends the rest on to you.
14. Provide Parents with Tips to Contribute
Simply offering parents some tips and guidance can improve the attitude and moral of everyone involved. Almost all parents truly want to help but they don’t usually know how. By educating them you can divert their energy towards things that will be positive to your program. Here’s an example of some parent tips that you can offer:
15. Stay Out of the Stands
We recommend that you stay out of the stands during the season. After all, plenty of parents will want to talk with you before or after games. But, is this really where your attention needs to be?
Probably not. You need to be focusing on your players, not their parents. If you want to get to know your players’ parents, then summer and fall leagues are the best time to do it since those are generally looser and almost everyone has a chance to play.
16. No Talking on Game Days
You should establish a rule that parents are not allowed to speak with you about playing time or any issues on “game day”. Those conversations must be scheduled for another day. Emotions are too high during game time and these issues can be handled much more effectively at a different time.
So, make it a rule that you won’t talk with any parents before or after games unless it’s an emergency. And, it’s smart to bring this up in your initial parent meeting, as well as putting it in your handbook. Remind parents the reason for this: you’re there to help their children become better players.
17. Schedule A Private Meeting
If a parent comes to you and wants to start yelling on the court, absolutely insist they set up a private meeting with you the next day. It’s not good for the players, and the other parents, to witness an argument. So, take it off the court. Setting up a next-day meeting will also give you time to prepare.
Before you meet with that parent, spend some time thinking about why they might be upset. Is it their child’s playing time? Is there a conflict with another player? Coming up with various scenarios can help you see things from that parent’s point of view.
It’s also a good idea if you can get someone else (like an assistant coach or athletic director) to sit in on the meeting as well. This might help the parent be more objective, as well as providing you with another set of ears.
18. Calmly Handle Blowouts
No matter how hard you work to prevent it, there are always going to be the inevitable irate or overzealous parents to handle. It just comes with the territory of being a coach. So how can you handle the big blowouts when they happen?
First, listen. Let the parent have their say and don’t interrupt them.
When it’s your turn to speak, then explain your point of view slowly and clearly. And, keep your focus on their child. Don’t do comparisons between their child and another player.
If the parent starts raising their voice, then resist the urge to match their tone. Keep speaking in a calm voice at normal volume. And, try to keep your comments on the positive end.
You can even offer to allow the parent to come to practice so they can see what is actually happening. Besides, how can the parent have an opinion unless they have been to all the practices?
At the end of the meeting, make sure you thank the parent for voicing their concerns with you, and let them know you’ll take them under consideration. After the parent has left, ask the person who sat in on the meeting how they thought you did. Was there anything you could have done better or differently? Getting this honest feedback can really help you handle these challenging situations in the future.
Please leave your comments below. Tell us if you like this report. Tell us what you don’t like. And share your ideas and techniques regarding the subject.
Good advice. However what happens when the coach does not stick to his code and lappes into the favourate seven or eight players to the detriment of a better playing participent?
Thanks for a good well informed site.
I agree with a lot of it. I, as a coach, handle some things differently. I don’t let de parents attend trainingsessions. Actually, I try to keep the parents as far away as possible because otherwise they think they actually have something to say. I let the parents be close as a supporter, not as a person with influence.
The main thing is that you are very clear about what you’re doing. Don’t say one thing and do another. Even if parents disagree, they will accept it because that’s just the way I work as a coach and if they want it differently they have to become coach.
These ideas and thoughts are good from the competitive side of coach soccer but not for the recreational side of coaching soccer or many other sports. Depending on the age you are dealing with, will depend on you handle the kids. Let’s face it, some parents “force” the kids to play. Let’s all remember the main reason why kids quit sports, IT’S NOT FUN ANYMORE!
Make it fun! At the recreational level, how important is winning? For me, it’s nice but not required. All players play all positions except goalie. I have dealt with parents who think their kid is the next superstar and my question to myself is, why are they play recreational soccer?
Remember the level you are working with, the rules are different and so are the situations. Set basic ground rules with the parents then be flexible. Life gets in the way and your coaching and dealing with parents will have to change to meet the needs of your players.
I’ve had a parent approach our bench and ask their child when she would be subbed on, with me as the coach standing right there, and then saying they dont turn up to watch her sit on the bench (with a few other words thrown in). Parents always respond when their children are involved so we sent an email out to all saying that their children wouldnt play if it happened again. Funny enough, it hasnt happened since. Lesson learnt for me, it’s been added to my pre-season parent meeting
Excellent advice as we come across this on a regular basis although we have in the past set up meetings prior to the season commencing to explain the ground rules which involves our Child Protection Policy and Codes of Conducts, the problem is getting all the parents to attend so in order to get round that when we issue the information packs under Child Protection we request a signature for same and refer to this if and when any difficult situation arises, we still want it to be fun for all!
a problem i have is that parents do not meet on parentmeetings. for the children i have to take decisians for the parents and e- mail it to them. then the parents coms to game or practis and have ideas about things, a specially during the game.
i avoid speeking to them during the game and consentrate on the kids. al informations i most send by e- mail, on paper with the kids and by sms on the phone to make sure that everyone gets the informatin.
thanks for making us grow in the game and the usual handouts you give us.
It,s a goodone thanks
Good article, this is something that every coach should be aware of as they will undoubtedly have to deal with these issues at some point.
Completely agree about setting out code of coduct and coaching philosphy beforehand – a lot of probelms arise when parents are not aware that there is a coaching style in place or dont understand the ethos of a club.
If parents cant make pre season meetings then ensure that the kids have paperwork outlining all of these things to take home for mums and dads
Some good points, but make it fun for the kids. The commenters have some good points too. The coach has to stick to what he tells the parents if he expects them to stick to their side of the agreement.
Very good points, I love them I think that they can bring about a positive change between coach and parents.
I have a parent constantly coming into our team huddles. Doesn’t say anything but it really bothers me that he is there. Any suggestion as to how to handle this?
Just let the parent know that as a general rule we don’t allow parents in huddles. If I let one person I need to start letting others that ask. If you have that rule in your parent letter or documented somewhere, all the better.
Its all very good advice however, what do you do when the Athletic director supports the decisions you make as a coach but the Principal doesn’t? I’ve found with my ten years as a coach it has been getting more difficult because the parents are getting more difficult. Parents want to be too involved and sometimes it crosses the line of whats appropriate for them to bring up to me. The more the parents become more difficult the more the Principal tries to “make peace” which isn’t always the best for me or my team. How would you handle that situation? Some times its Parent and Principal against me.
The one fun parent I had would come to practice, but saw what he wanted to see and not what actually was happening. Football player trying to learn soccer… didn’t quite work.
This is number one advice for we coaches. thank you so much.
I find that every bit of information coming from you is good & look forward to your next, all the info I find is excellent. Thank you.
Good information. My grandaughter is 12 and was on a AAU team for a couple of years and because of her busy schedule she took time off, but her coach told her when ever she was ready to come back she could. Well she asked and coach told her the team and parents would have to vote her in or out.She is an excellent player in any sport she plays and so the team voted not to take her back because then it would cut their playing time.The coach told her parents the team belongs to the girls and he had to go by what they voted. What happened to you’re the coach? How can you deny a 12 year.
This was very insightful. I am in the process of forming a team of high school boys that don’t play for the local high school and being a teacher never thought about writing a handbook or philosophy of soccer. Thanks for all the information you guys provide. I have learned so much and still have a ton to learn.
Do you think it is unreasonable for parents to be upset at a coach who plans practices that end in the dark? No lights, pitch black, a good 30 minutes of falling all over the place, just so he can get in more time. Am a being a wimpy mom for thinking this is dangerous. All the other teams gone….field waiting for him so they can close.
thanks for the letter, I like it, but I have not experienced any problem. I hope I will solve any with the parents as per the report you have sent me. l truly appreciate it.
This is an awesome post! Really great tips, especially for high school soccer coaches. Our program puts on a parent meeting before each season which outlines our coaching staff’s expectations and philosophy which really makes a big difference.
Great article but we have had contracts, pre season meetings and still have had parents pull their kids over playing time where he/she should be position wise and it is sad that they still pull their children.
I found that over all there was some great ideas and a lot of good information , but my school do not let parents attend practice and i think that this is a good thing.